Who’s remembering to buy the eggs?
The mental work of managing a family is hard, but research shows some upsides
Parents often feel overwhelmed by the mental and emotional work involved in running a household. This includes tasks like remembering appointments, meal-planning and worrying about their kids’ well-being.
Wake Forest University Professor of Management Julie Holliday Wayne studies the “invisible family load” and who carries it. Her research confirms what many parents already know: women carry more of this load than men. She has also found that the work causes fatigue and stress.
But, Wayne says there can also be an upside to carrying the family’s behind-the-scenes mental load and shares ideas for how to tap into the benefits.
What is the invisible family load?
The invisible family load refers to all the unseen but critical tasks that need to get done to manage a family. Most of the research has focused on physical household labor like cooking, cleaning, laundry, and cutting the grass. We were really interested in all of the things that go on that really can’t be seen. We asked people, ‘What are some of the things that you have to do to run your household, run your family that maybe other people can’t see?’ We took all the examples that they gave us and we found that they fell into three big buckets: the managerial load, the cognitive load and the emotional load.
The managerial load involves planning, organizing, scheduling everything from doctor’s appointments to birthday parties to vacations or family reunions or just the day-to-day activities. The cognitive load involves keeping track of everything, making decisions, and anticipating needs. This is not just about remembering to buy the eggs or the toilet paper, but also paying attention to the fact that the household supply is running low. The emotional load is taking on the worrying and being the emotional anchor for the family.
Who typically shoulders this work?
We asked people how much work they do associated with the invisible family load: how much planning, organizing and scheduling they do, how much worrying they do, how much thinking, remembering, anticipating and deciding they do. And we find that across the board, women report doing significantly more of those activities than do men. When we ask men how much of this they do in their families, they perceive it as about 50 50. But when we ask women, women report doing about 80% of the invisible load in their families.
What are the negative effects of taking on the invisible family load? Are there any benefits?
People who indicated they did more of the emotional family load in their families reported poor sleep, overall emotional exhaustion and burnout. People talked about resentment and bitterness.
Even though we didn’t expect it, there can be a sense of purpose and meaning that comes from this work of care and connection in the family. Surprisingly, there were people who said, ‘I like being the leader in my family. I like making decisions on behalf of my family. I find purpose and meaning in doing that.’ Statistically, we find that people who have more of this managerial and cognitive load are actually more satisfied with their families and lives overall.
What can help manage the behind-the-scenes work that keeps families functioning smoothly?
The heaviest aspect of the invisible family load is the emotional burden. So, the first thing to do is curb excessive worry. Adopt a ‘good enough’ attitude and realize perfection is not needed or expected for families to thrive. Set aside some time to worry, but also share that emotional burden, engage in self-care, get social support from our partner or other friends, family members, or people at work to minimize that emotional worry. Recognize the invisible work as leadership. Pause to appreciate the moments, even small ones, when efforts lead to growth, joy or a sense of security for family members. Rather than trying to do it all, look for ways to delegate and teach, such as asking kids to schedule things for themselves when age-appropriate or empowering decision-making to a partner.
What is one key takeaway you hope everyone, regardless of their family structure, will take away from this research?
It is very clear that these unseen tasks are a burden to manage, but they’re more than that. They’re also an opportunity for deep care and connection with the family in a way that can generate meaning and purpose. So if we can not only acknowledge the fact that this work is being done, but distribute it more equitably, then we have more opportunity for people within the family to celebrate that care and connection that can come from managing this unseen, invisible family load.
Wayne shares more about her research and additional suggestions for managing the mental labor for the family in this recent Scientific American article. She is the author of “Who’s remembering to buy the eggs? The Meaning, Measurement and Implications of Invisible Family Load,” published in the Journal of Business and Psychology.
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