How involved should parents be during freshman year?
Parents think it’s a great idea to call at 7 a.m. College freshmen think noon would be too early. Parents send a dozen e-mails a day. College freshmen wait until the weekend to send a one-sentence reply. Parents want to know the grade on every test. College freshmen are hesitant to say what classes they are taking.
When students go off to college, how involved should parents be?
Two Wake Forest University administrators suggest ways parents can give college freshmen the independence they want, while maintaining important family ties.
“The challenge for some parents is not to become overly involved,” says Johnne Armentrout, assistant director of Wake Forest’s counseling center. Look for ways to provide support without being intrusive, she advises. Armentrout leads a “College Transitions” program for the parents of Wake Forest freshmen during freshman orientation each fall.
“The most successful parents are the ones who walk the fine line between engagement and letting go,” says Paul Orser, dean of freshmen at Wake Forest. “It is the excesses—too much control, too much contact—that hinder a student’s development,” he says.
“I would like to convince parents that the more they can let students tackle problems on their own, the better,” Armentrout says. “It is not good to try to shield them from all disappointments.”
Of course, if parents are seriously concerned about the student’s mental or physical health, the parents should try to make a face-to-face visit and/or contact the university’s counseling center for advice, Armentrout says.
Some parents, because they have invested a lot in their children, tend to micromanage, she says. If parents find themselves refereeing roommate battles or picking up the phone to call a professor to complain about their child’s grade, they need to take a step back, she says.
“Allowing them to make some mistakes is a sign of confidence from the parent, not a sign of abandonment,” Armentrout says.
Instead of jumping in to solve problems on campus for the student, Orser suggests parents should encourage students to use the resources of the university, such as the counseling center, the writing center, faculty advisors, tutors and resident advisors.
Armentrout suggests e-mail as one good way to keep in touch. It is less intrusive than a phone call, she says. She also recommends sending hometown newspaper clippings about people and events familiar to the student and mailing goodie bags of favorite treats from home. She discourages parents from getting kids involved in disputes at home.
“Students want honest, caring involvement,” Orser says. In addition to e-mail, he suggests weekly phone calls to find out how they are doing.
“E-mail can be useful, but e-mail cannot convey what the voice can,” he says.
When parents want to find out how the student is faring academically, Orser suggests the kinds of questions that encourage more than a yes or no answer, such as “Tell me about what you are reading? What’s your favorite class? What kinds of papers or presentations will you have to do?”
Laying out expectations before the school year begins is a good way to avoid problems down the road, Orser says.
Some students like more involvement—others less, Armentrout says. “The key is for parents to accurately read what students want.”
When students first go to college they “may err on the side of pushing away too much or being too clingy,” Armentrout says. She says parents should not let their feelings be hurt if they do not hear from their son or daughter as often as they had hoped. On the other hand, if students are too reliant on them, parents may need to gently nudge them toward greater independence.
Categories: Campus Life, Experiential Learning
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